5 Years Awake

9:45 pm, Friday night, Winter 2011.

I look into the rearview mirror. I don’t even recognize the pair of eyes staring back at me.

I’m driving around in circles.

Congratulations, you are so high that you can’t remember where your boyfriend’s apartment is.

I pull over to call my boyfriend. It’s 10pm, & he’s already so drunk that he can’t even give me directions. We both laugh; it is a hollow moment in an empty companionship. We are so numb that we are powerful.

Back on the road…Don’t worry, I’ll find you!

 Suddenly there are lights behind me. A cop. One who I’ve spoken to before... “Have you been drinking?” “No, officer!” (Me? Drink and drive? Never!) “Well your turn signal is out, get it fixed!” He smiles.

 I faked my way through another conversation.

~

2 AM, Friday night, Winter 2016.

I look in the mirror. I don’t recognize the woman staring back at me. She is very alive; her eyes are the opposite of dull. She is also so very tired. Her puffy dark circles are atrocious. The extra pounds sit uncomfortably on the surface of her body like they want to jump off; the stretch marks & sags from growing her baby ensure she will never wear a two-piece swimsuit again.

The 2,000 word paper has been written. The child is safe & warm in bed. Tears slip down her face because bedtime was so hard. The fighting, the crying, the struggle to put on jammies. In 5 hours, her alarm will go off to begin another day.

The days feel like years long, but the years feel like a day…

And best of all there is peace & hope. Fullness in place of emptiness. Shade in the burning sun, a covering over shame, a fountain of water for thirst. Some of the chains were broken immediately, falling off quickly; some of them are cracking, they will fall off soon.

Life was given to me in every way. The pain that caused me to be dead in the first place is slowly shrinking. Victory has been promised to me. Now I live to tell about it.

“For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you…” (Deut 20:4)

Little Ears

While we were downtown today, a curly, red-haired pre-teen fell backwards off his chair. Everyone at his table reacted loudly. After he got up to leave the table, his friend approached us said directly to me & my daugher: “If you were wondering, my red-haired friend is an alien”. 

My daughter looked at me with wide-eyes. She didn’t understand.

The boy laughed and walked away. My daughter stared after him. Her hair is constantly being brought into the spotlight by strangers on the street. She hears that she is red-haired at least 3 times a day.

My first reaction was anger.

There are so many things we “like” or participate in on Facebook. Or we just tolerate them, scrolling by with a smirk. Even though I know most of my friends, I’ve seen many memes or comments making fun of other races, social groups, body parts, etc. Online is not real life; it’s just harmless fun…..

Today a boy told my my 4-year-old daughter two things:
1. Be embarrassed of people who accidentally fall in public...Or, be embarrassed of other people.
2. Specifically, red-haired people are embarrassing, different and weird (or whatever alien means to him…).

It makes me really want to rethink the things that I laugh at. What is acceptable online (Hello to all the Ginger Memes) is NOT okay to tell a little kid in real life. Why do we get to like and laugh at things online that we would never say in real life? I am guilty of this as much as anyone else.

Thankfully today I can tell my girl that she’s beautiful for more than her physical appearance. Later in the day our 3-year-old friend Theo fell, and a 4-year-old stranger quickly and compassionately helped him up.

Little people know our attitude, concerns, dislikes. Little people learn the rules of what is appropriate to laugh at, and what’s not. Little people know who we like to spend time with.

Little ears hear your phone conversations, your whispers, your heart. Be careful.

My Constant One

I carried all 40 pounds of you for hours at the fair. I took you to the doctor when you were sick. I went to work for you, went to bed late and got up early for you. I spent hours in the bathroom with you, helping you bathe and re-potty training you. I cleaned up accidents. I folded laundry for you; I dropped you off and picked you up from two different daycares. I packed you special lunches; I went grocery shopping for things you will eat. I did paperwork for you. I cried sometimes because I was physically exhausted from taking care of you.

~

And in a moment of anger and emotion, because I wouldn't let you watch TV, you burst out, "Mom, I don't  want to be your daughter anymore". Emphatically. Repeatedly.

~

I laughed. Because I know that you don't mean that. Because I know that I'll hear that again. Because I love you so much I lay down my life for you every. single. day, whether I feel like it or not.

~

I've never seen a clearer picture of myself than tonight than in your angry, 4-year-old face, my sweet girl, while you tried to disown me. How many times have I told my Father, "I don't want to be your daughter anymore". I'm ashamed to say how many times. How many times I've shouted angry words at Him because of how I feel.

~

He gets it. He laughs: "Oh honey. I love you so".

~

He never changes. He loves me and cares for me every day. He is there on the bad days and good days.

~

And baby, I'll always be your mom.

Fair Magic

Taking Back Truth

It's that time of the year when the students swarm back into our town. It's easier to complain about them than to pray for them.

It's this time every year that I start thinking about it. I am concerned for their safety and the choices they make.

I had just turned 19, and it was his 27th birthday party. A friend of my good friend. I had arranged for someone to pick me up down the street, in one hour. Just going to drop by. Just one drink, and then leave.

My last memory that night was of him mixing me a drink, his face turned away from me.

I became conscious 4 or 5 hours later and found that I was being assaulted by him. I was not able to move or leave.

There are many details I could share, but I have found that reading other people's details can be harmful. I want to help others.

The most horrifying thought of all--to live in a body that I was formerly not in control of. The memories I could maybe live with, but what about the unknown? The unconscious hours?

This was a darker place than I could ever have imagined.

"Hey...what happened last night shouldn't have happened."

 His fingers said to me: "??? Nothing happened..." A simple answer, the perfect lie. Oh... I get it! I'm the crazy one here! I'll accept that answer.

 I laid in bed for 2 days, feeling sicker than I have ever been. My body was foreign to me. The back of my head was so sore. Little fingerprint bruises dotted my arms. I didn't understand. My friend explained, "It's because you fell and we had to lift you up." Oh, okay!

I stood in a room with 4 men and tried to say something was wrong. My "friend", and him, and two roommates. They were all so very angry at me. Why were they all so angry? I left in shame. They won. They were right. Of course they were right. Yes, and I am fine. I am fine.

Lies are so much easier to grab onto than the truth.. but something made my fingers slip.No matter how many times I tried to wash myself clean, I couldn't wash it away.

This is the part of my story that  I am willing to share in detail. Here are the words that I would go back and say to myself. I hope these words can help you, too.

1. It happened. You are not okay. You will not be okay for a very long time. You cannot be unaffected by this.

2. My dear, I believe you. And it was not your fault...

3. You did not deserve this, want this, ask for this, allow this, consent to this.

4. It will take 6 years for you to know in your heart and your head that it was not your fault. Do you know something? That is okay.

5. You will forgive yourself, and surprisingly, you will forgive him and the others and pray for them.

6. You will love and trust God. What? How can it be? You will be friends with God. You will feel Him around you. He will hold you in a way that you can't understand, but you will know that He is there. You will accept that He is FOR you.

I challenge you to take back the truth... it belongs to you. 

"He took her by the hand and said to her, "Talitha koum!" (which means 'Little girl, I say to you, get up!'"                                                                                                              (Mark 5:41)

News that Nobody Expected

"I am the news that nobody expected

I was never a part of your plans.

I'm the reason why life,

As you know it feels like,

It's slipping through your trembling hands." 

Today I heard Matthew West’s song Untold. Every line made me cry because it was so true for me carrying A. Although I went through the motions of trying to do the best thing for us, shame, embarrassment and hopelessness were my constant companions. The day that my brother and sister-in-law announced their own pregnancy, tears that should have been tears of joy poured out of my eyes because I felt that their baby was going to be more loved than mine.  

That story is just a tiny glimpse of many of the complicated thoughts a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy can have. 

My prayer is that for anyone who listens to this song will have hope for their future and their baby’s.

My prayer is our world becomes a place that empowers, supports, and encourages men and women who feel like their life is “slipping through their hands”. To walk alongside them.
To educate them on all of their options so that they can make a fully-informed choice.
To give them hope that their life is not over.
To be a solid, tangible presence so that they know they will not be alone.
To be prepared to help them raise their child, no matter what.
To love them unconditionally, no matter what.

Inside my belly, A was “God’s miracle in the working, proof that all things can work for the good”, and the best part was still coming! Thanks to the support of incredible, loving people, I was reminded constantly of that truth. And finally, when I saw her for the first time, I was able to understand how all things words for good.

"But when you hear my first cry, when you look in my eyes,

You’ll understand why

Why you brought me to life."