Grace Rising : March 2014

I had just sat down next to the fire, which was doing its very best to be warm and inviting but was kind of failing (as do all fires that I build), but then my baby girl started crying and sounded very miserable. I usually don't get her out of her crib, but tonight was an exception because it was her "pain" cry. I gave her ibuprofen, rubbed clove oil on her teeth and put more layers on her due to the freezing temperature in all areas of our house. I always think I will be used to seeing her in pain but it was so hard to see her suffering tonight just as any other night. A few weeks ago at church one of the pastors was giving a talk before communion was passed out, and he described a time in his past where one of his children was lost in the mountains. The way he described the desperation and longing to see his child again was so easy to relate with that I couldn't help but cry.
I came back to my poor, little fire. Holding my little daughter, who is growing so big but still so tiny, I realized that I don't know how long I get to be A's earthly parent. There may be a day when she is no longer in my care. I pray that day will never come, but I also pray that God reminds me that she is, and always has been, His. I have to force open my clenched hands and give her to Him. The agony of this statement of surrender is almost as huge as the relief knowing that God loves her too much to leave it all up to me.
The other day I was writing a note to a pregnancy test client that I had seen with another advocate during my training. I wrote her this quote,

"I have held many things in my hands, and have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." - Martin Luther

I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess.

Martin Luther

I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess.

Martin Luther

I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess.

Martin Luther

I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess.

Martin Luther

I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess.

Martin Luther

When A was a newborn, I taped it to the wall across from my Ottoman where I spent the good part of three months sitting, rocking, and nursing her. Through all the emotions of being a new, tired mom it helped me hold on to truth.
Back to Jesus. I am reading a book for work called The Intimacy Cover-Up: Uncovering the Difference Between Love and Sex by P. Roger Hillerstrom and Karlyn Hillerstrom. I don't know how to describe this book except that everyone should read it. The author and his daughter have written a masterpiece about deceptions involving sex.
A long time ago I prayed that God would break my heart for what breaks His, and He has.
If this means going to schools and educating kids on why marriage is actually, really, truly the best and the damages being done by the silent STD epidemic, I will. If this means living with broken, unloved people for the rest of my life, and eventually taking them in to my own home, I will. If this means hours of data entry- where I sometimes look at ultrasounds of 9 week old babies with tiny arm and leg stumps whom I know have been aborted, I will. If this means sharing the Gospel with people when I would rather just hand them diapers and run away, I will. I can no longer passively watch the Enemy's destruction and feel safe under my own little rock.
In closing, these simple lyrics have been on my heart. I love this song because it is me. I have that old, empty feeling sometimes, at the end of the day when things are looking a little bleak, a friend is going through a hard time, or words of criticism have cut me down. That feeling and I have been the closest of friends for years. The feeling used to follow me everywhere, and it was only God that took it away. I really cannot contain my joy that it is possible to live a meaningful life after many mistakes, knowing that I have been given freedom, purpose, and value as a daughter of the King.

Good morning the night is over and gone

I thought once this dark would last for so long

Feel the sunlight on my face

You have brought me through this place

Jesus, Jesus, You found me

Through the long night you led me

You set me free

Do you see just what You've done in my life?

You gave me more than I hoped for now I

Feel your sunlight on my face

You have brought me through this place

Jesus, Jesus, You found me

Through the long night you led me

You set me free

"You Led Me" by Barlowgirl

And here is sunshine girl in her bath.

Grace Rising

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Sunlight

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