We CAN Do Hard Things

I zoned off after a long day of work, helping clients and entering data and making too much coffee.

My mind jumps from Ellis Island immigrants hoping to inherit the promise to dirty diapers to my dirty car to planning staff birthdays at work to Avalon's friend's birthday party to finding a babysitter to my big assignment due to volunteering to being able to pay the bills next week to finding winter boots for Avalon to spending enough time on schoolwork to not sleeping at night to....

I looked over my events on Facebook and found another invitation to a Halloween party, and tears threatened to overflow as I thought about all the things I need to do this weekend. 

On top of it all, school.. although I love it, it threatens to dominate my life and has been the cause for my stress levels climbing higher and higher up the mountain of papers and facts and textbooks! 

The thought of climbing (or squeezing) into a Halloween costume and making merry is terrifying and seems ridiculous to me when faced with the rest of my week. At the same time I really want to, I mean, AM DYING TO/LONG TO, have fun and forget about my life for awhile, and have a real, meaningful conversation that is not cut short by demands for milk and "Hold me!"

The theme of my week has been casting my cares on God, a concept which I have been ignoring until today. Today, I fully felt the weight (again) of what it means to NOT do this (I felt like one of those huge, buzzing Idaho beetles that no one knows the name of, squashed under a bowling ball). 

I can't be all these characteristics-- a good mom, a good student, a good employee, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good volunteer, a good..person, and on top of that, be in shape,  be self controlled, look fabulous, and use my time wisely... 

It is a crushing burden that I don't know how to bear. I am juggling things that are very important to me, but sooner or later I continue drop the ball in certain areas.

Along with my other assignments, I've also been pursuing a major in Facebook, and I think that has caused more damage than I even know. Comparison is the thief of joy. Using all my mental energy on conversations and comments and likes and videos and friends, who simply cannot go beyond the virtual screen, is so unhelpful. Can we get together in real life now? 

With every Christian blog post, there should be some "sound Biblical references", right? Well, too bad. Go look in your Bible! That's where I need to be now.

And then back to the books, and then I will stay up too late and fall asleep hard, and I will probably wake up with A poking me in the back with her feet and saying, "GET UP NOW MOM". And that will be okay. 

Because I am small, and God is big, but He does care about the little things, and He will give me the rest I need in unexpected ways.

The H Word

One of the most unhelpful things that has been said to me repeatedly, by beautiful, loved and well-meaning friends..and acquaintances..and strangers, is this:

I don't know how you do it. I've been praying for a husband for you.

In addition to:
When I met my husband, I wasn't looking. It just happened.
Have you met anyone recently?
Are you interested in anyone?

I know these dear people can not possibly know the discouragement these questions bring to me. I do not want to rebuke them or hurt their feelings by telling them not to say it, either. I appreciate their thoughts and prayers and kindness so very much, but I need to write something.

Please do not pray for a husband for me.

I know, I sound crazy. Who does not want to be prayed for? Me. I have spent a large chunk of my teenage and young adult years longing to find someone to fill the void in me. I have been absolutely off-target for all of these years. I have crossed boundaries to feel loved and valued, and experienced devastating consequences from my own pursuits. Even as a mom of a newborn, I have looked around every corner for my "future husband" (a familiar phrase in my vocabulary).
 I have also grown up thinking that, as a woman, it is the most important thing for me to get married and serve my husband. It is not. Actually, the most important thing is to experience intimacy, perfect friendship, and immeasurable love in a relationship with God. The rest can follow, if He writes that in my story.

I would much rather you pray that I surrender myself to be totally dependent on God and experience true fulfillment in my soul, body, and heart.
(And nope, I will not be wearing one of those "I'm dating Jesus!" T-shirts).

Another struggle after hearing these words has been an ongoing feeling of guilt for my daughter's missing father. I cannot give her that. But I have to laugh at myself here: Seriously? A has entire verses in the Bible dedicated to her (see Ps. 82:3, 64:5, Jer. 45:11, Deut. 10:18, and many more). My brother, grandpa, and dad are obsessed with her and regularly hug her, hold her, and give her words of affirmation and quality time. A has several other fatherly guys at church who go out of their way to pay attention to her. And, for the heck of it, I guess I will mention that her biological father has been served court papers and could easily pursue rights to see her at any time, but he has not. That is also up to God... not me. When people say to me, "We are just praying for a husband for you", they do not know how vulnerable I am in this area. I relapse into thinking that what I am is not enough, that I am incomplete. It makes me feel like my problems can be condensed down into the simple solution of getting married. 

In the last year I have recently come to the joyful discovery and relief of understanding that I do not need to be married until God specifically puts a guy directly in my path, preferably wearing a blinking sign that says,"I am The One". I am experiencing contentment, joy, and peace while being a single woman and a single parent like I never have before (you can ask me if I am still feeling this next week, and give me a smack if I am a little low again). I do not know why it took this long to have this perspective, but I am so thankful.
The only reason I want to be married right now is for the sake of convenience- which is not a bad thing. I would love to have the choice to stay at home with A more often, have some financial support,  and be loved and wanted and desirable to someone. Right now, I do not have any sacrificial thoughts or selfless dreams of assisting my future husband; it's all about me and A. I am just trying to get through school, work, relationships, and parenting. If I married now for these reasons, all I would be doing is taking from my husband. There would be high expectations of his giving, without getting anything back from me.

When I am going through daily difficult things, I think about my future husband (the big F.H., I'll call him), and pray that he is also discovering things about God and about himself. I pray that F.H. is standing strong against temptations. I pray when he hits rock bottom that he will receive strength and hope like I always have! I pray that God would shape me into the woman that this man needs, and vice versa. I do not pray that I will meet him tomorrow.

God has already picked him out. He already knows the date we will meet, our wedding songs, the names of our grandkids, our many rough days, and our good days, too.

And the answer to the question, have you met someone?
No, I have not. In fact, I have never, in a single moment of my life, known what it was like to be fully loved by someone. No one has ever committed to me, just me, nor have I treated them the way I should treat a brother. Oh, and this is not how I ever thought it would be, but I've basically been a kind of reluctant nun as of two and a half years ago. Looking behind me, I am confident that the best is yet to come. 

There you have it.

                     “I’d rather have the right God than the wrong man.” – Christen Rapske

~Kallie