Letters to my Daughter Part One

            

           A, I want you to see yourself now, the way I see you on our best days. You’re sitting in the backseat, holding a piece of wadded up gum-wrapper, a leaf, an Elsa Barbie doll, a My Little Pony, an arm of a Potato head doll, or even just your own wiggling fingers, and you’re talking to them like they are your both your closest confidant and naughtiest child. “Do you know who dat is? Dat’s my mom! Dat’s Towie. You may NOT have a tweat befo’ bedtime. You dit a spankin! Dat’s naughty! Do you know we dwiving someweaw? We doing to daytair.” A, I just wish I could describe to you your voice right now. It’s magic and music. It’s tinkling and bubbly and silly.

           Your minuscule, chubby pink hands are perfection. I reach back when I’m driving and just hold on for dear life, because when I blink you grow a little bit— the car seat is getting smaller and smaller, you've learned a new trick, you’re putting on your shoes now, you’ve figured out how to floss your own teeth, you’re not scared of the dark as much as you used to be, you walk in to preschool without any tears, you're fearlessly jumping off furniture and swimming in the bath like a fish. You walk with a purpose, flouncing your tutus, proud of your flashing Frozen shoes or your clicking red cowgirl boots. More than anything you are proud of when you make a choice, and I do not. I try to remember to offer as many choices as I can.  

            I read somewhere that a chemical released in a mother’s brain makes it nearly impossible to stop kissing her baby’s face, that her baby just “smells” delicious. Weird, right? I’ll be the first to say, I definitely still have that... I kiss your forehead and your little nose and the top of your head. For some reason you are really ticklish on the top of your head, especially at bedtime when it’s the last tactic you have to keep me in the room. You thrash and wiggle through your Frozen blanket screaming with laughter. “Stop mom stop!” Then, “Mo! Mo mom! Teekle me adain!”

           You have a LAUGH. This laugh is something I find out about every day. Your laugh is ever-multiplying. You could write the Book on Laughs. So there’s the tinkling-brook, high-pitched laugh, typically utilized when you make a discovery in a book you are reading to yourself, like, “Oh Mom, isn’t that just HILARIOUS and RIDICULOUS?”                                                                                                            

            Then there’s what I call the Including Laugh; this is the laugh used for making anyone nearby feel included into your circle of friends or your personal bubble, accompanied by friendly body language and wide-open eyes. It is the toddler call, an enticing invitation for companionship and bonding: “Come laugh with me over this and we can be friends”. This is followed by the “Can you even believe we just experienced that together? My GOODNESS...It is so good to be alive right now!” Laugh. There is the out-of-control Tickling Laugh, usually open-mouthed and with some amount of drooling. There’s also the mischievous laugh, which reminds me of a sneaky elf. “Hehehe” you go, right before you poke someone in the ribs or grab someone’s belongings, and run with hopes of being chased, tackled, and loved.

                Another laugh, which is a show-stopper for family, friends, and strangers alike, is the Belly Laugh.  If Scrooge were around today, his icicle-ridden heart would be warmed instantly upon hearing this. This laugh could make anyone believe in Christmas or miracles or God. It is the warmest, purest joy. It comes out a lot when you are overtired and something really funny happened in a book or a movie, something beyond hilarious in Toddler World. It starts out with this quiet chortling that rises in volume and pitch into full-out howling with laughter and shortage of breath.

               You get so glowing, bright-pink mad sometimes, just recently becoming a threenager possessing unmatched wisdom. And though she be but little, she is fierce, I whisper to myself in shock (along with my “Help” prayer I learned from Anne Lamott.  Your rage is definitely not cute, but the passion your tiny face exhibits cheers me on. Why? Because I need to be awake in every way-- to keep thinking, moving, breathing, trusting God—not so I can tell you to be quiet, but so I can guide you into your future. It’s not a sin for you to be angry. I’m glad you are angry and that I’m a safe person for you to yell no at. I tell you that anger is okay, yelling no at Mommy is not. I never know what gets in between your perfectly shaped elfin-princess ears and through the mass of tangled Merida-Shirley Temple-Annie curls, but a few weeks ago you said, “Mom, mom, mom. Even when we aw mad at Dod, He ‘till yuv us!” When I try to pray for you, you always emphatically say, “NO, Dod does not yuv me, but I yuv Dod sooooo much.” 

                 A, I’m not scared anymore of raising you, but I am scared of how it is raising ME to raise you. I have watched you come into the world. I have spent hours upon hours praying and thinking about what is best for your future. It’s funny that since I’ve been able to move on from fear about your future as a child, teenager, and functioning adult, I have been attacked with fears about everything else. My fear of failure is sitting on my shoulders; it is a burden so heavy that it feels like a house, and I cannot breathe. I have tried and tried to get rid of it on my own, but I can’t. I know... I know down to my bones and in my crumbly, fearful, tired soul that you are what God sent me to help me keep fighting.

Like Peter, I said, “Master, if it’s really you, call me to come to you on the water.” 

Father, Prove to me that you are real. Prove to me that I am worth saving.   

And God said, “Come to me, my love”.

So I thought about it for minutes that felt like hours, and then I closed my eyes and made myself jump. The dizzying fall, the sensation of knowing it’s too late to go back, the sudden arrival…

“Peter walked on the water to Jesus. But when Peter looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lost his nerve and started to sink. He cried, 'Master, save me!'"

Suddenly, I’m sinking, and His hand reaches out. 

The story takes my breath away, because in the worst moments of my life, I have found that hand… Far more than coincidence, today I was praying and I felt and held that hand again. 
Come on, courage, dear heart. Get up.

My friend took this one of me on a tired morning. This cracks me up; it is how life feels on a daily basis. 

A loves to "help" me put on makeup

This is one of my favorite pictures. It is so real. Bathtime is an act of love. It is usually not fun and games for us. And the tummy pouch is in plain sight. This is motherhood. 

Tooth-brushing. 

All pictures taken by NaphtaliKate Photography. 

All scripture taken from Matthew 14, The Message. 

Dayna Gives Another Kick to Cancer's Butt - Louisiana Trip, Part 2

There are so many emotions and memories tumbling around from the rest of our trip. I hope you can see what I saw. I’m trying not to write a novel, but share a tiny piece of the unspeakable joy.

Dear friends, I need to ask you to hear something before you go on, something that is really important. The same day as my last post, I had a conversation with Dayna’s mother Dori. She has poured out everything she has, and more. Dori told me that some friends have asked her why she doesn’t hate God for what is happening. But Dori looked at me, with this intense faith-light in her eyes, and she said that although she has been a believer her whole life, right now, in this messy, seemingly hopeless place, she has never loved Jesus more. She said, "We are not responsible for the outcome; we are responsible for the faith we exhibit on the journey." This is a powerful miracle in itself, another miracle that makes me thankful that I could go on this trip.

When I specifically asked her, Dori told me that funds for Dayna’s treatments are running low. I’m asking you to consider praying and helping Dayna with funds so that the tumor will keep shrinking. It has already shrunk 40%, something unheard of for Stage IV Glioblastoma Multiforme, and she is far beyond the 4-12 months the doctors gave her to live.

I sat down in the hotel lobby with rays of the best Louisiana sunshine ever streaking through on to me. Finally after a few hours of schoolwork, it was time to get ready! I opened the hotel room door and saw Dayna in a dress with her hair and makeup done. She was so tired, but was enduring the photographer’s requests for more smiles, relaxation of the stern Dayna eyebrows, and an open-mouthed laugh-smile (the completion of this feat thrilled the photographer to no end; apparently this request is not always met with such talent and enthusiasm). Then it was time to don another brilliant and colorful dress her mom had bought for her, with, of course, matching jewelry. It was fun to watch all the fuss being made over her; we all knew that Dayna must look beautiful and feel beautiful to her core. And she truly looked like a queen. 

We drove to The Healing Place church where the single moms’ group is located that Jennifer Maggio originally founded, starting out as a small group and growing to many, many single moms!! Upon opening the door, instantly my eyes began to leak (just allergies, of course). I was immediately enveloped into a giant, warm hug by someone kind who then handed me a card and money, thanking me for nominating Dayna.

 I don’t believe that anyone has it easy in this life on earth. I believe that married moms and single moms both have nearly-impossible mountains to climb; we both need God or we just won’t make it. But I do believe that ministry to single moms is overlooked in many faith-based communities, and the biggest tragedy of all is that their children are forgotten. (Just google children of single mother statistics; it’s not a bright outlook). This is what Satan wants.

 Here, through The Life of a Single Mom ministries, they are connected with solutions and resources for financial, parenting, and health problems, and then they are given a support group to help them go through that. Most of all they can learn about God, and begin to HOPE again.

Then the music began. I don’t remember what it was, I just remember feeling overwhelmed that so many seats were filled with single moms of every race, age, and background. I looked around and watched their hands lifted and their eyes shut tight, singing as loudly as possible to God, their friend, their helper, their Savior. Allergic reactions ensued and I found my face wet again.

Dori and I enjoying this sweet time

Finally it was time. Dori, Dayna, and I all held hands tightly, and laughed and wept as we heard these words while a slideshow from Dayna’s beautiful life with Maddie and her family was played.

“Before I speak a word let me hear Your voice

And in the midst of pain let me feel Your joy

I want to know you, I want to find you

In every season, in every moment..

I want to seek you first…”

(Lauren Daigle- First)

They couldn't have picked a better song to express Dayna's heart. When it was over Dayna went up and accepted her award. She makes fun of herself when she tells the story because she didn’t prepare at all; she said “We’ve got God, so we've got this single mom thing, you guys”, and somewhere in there she said loudly and proudly that she was going to kick cancer’s BUTT (A true Dayna statement if I’ve ever heard one, can you hear her voice?). Her face had been getting more radiant since we first left for LA, and it showed; she was there to give God's hope to every mom in the crowd. 

Beautiful, radiating Dayna

It is easy for me to watch my friend from the distance of six hours away, and feel thankful and happy that she is “doing so well” according to Facebook and a few texts I get from her. Dayna’s sickness is not like one of those movie-star cancer scenes. She is living, she is flourishing, she is kicking cancer’s butt in her own words. Here’s the thing, though (to borrow another one of her phrases): This is NOT normal. This is God. This is hope. This is Dayna living out the following verse:

“Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!” (Matt. 6:22-23, MSG)

Dayna has ripped off the blinds on her windows and allowed the Light of Jesus to keep her eyes wide open in wonder and belief. She is actively and bravely fighting, breathing, and seeing: she is seeing God move.  The reason she is able to keep walking is because she can receive naturopathic treatment along with the chemo and because she is surrounded by a kick-ass group of supporters, friends, and family. In order for her to keep receiving treatments that allow her to function, flourish, and be an incredible, patient, loving, understanding mother to Maddie, she needs us. She needs finances. I am hoping that these posts communicate God's truth, and a funny and marvelous adventure to the readers, but I am also shamelessly asking for donations for my friend. She never complains, but it is really hard to watch her experience the icky, debilitating, sad symptoms of chemo and cancer. Honestly, on this trip I promised God that I would do anything that I could do to help her. 

Find out how you can help Dayna and Maddie at Hope 4 Dayna.

Until next time, friends! 

Dayna and Kallie Go To Louisiana! ~Trip Update, Part One~

For those of you don’t know, earlier this summer I nominated my sweet Dayna friend for National Single Mom of the Year. Dayna has stage IV glioblastoma multiforme (brain cancer). It’s not the fact that was she was given this diagnosis that makes her an incredible person. It’s the fact that she gets up every day and FIGHTS it, holding on to her Heavenly Dad’s hand, walking with Him, and raising her daughter to know Him and believe in Him. Dayna is the strongest girl I’ve ever met. I get to brag about her because she’s not here right now; she’s getting a facial and massage somewhere in Baton Rouge which makes me SO happy!

Her agenda today includes spa time, a shopping spree, hair, make-up, and a photo shoot. Tonight is a dinner and awards ceremony where she will be giving a little speech. More about today later. J The first part of our journey has been kind of hilarious. I arrived at Dayna’s at 11 PM after 6 hours of driving; she woke up, we talked, crawled into bed, and fell asleep till our alarm went off at 3 AM! We woke up with bleary eyes and excited hearts, and on our way to the airport wished we had made coffee! We arrived at the airport but because Dayna had needles and prescriptions with her, she had to be detained so security could make sure she was okay to travel. Throughout this, she was incredibly kind and gracious and of course, made a new friend in the security guard.

We had two different seats and before the trip and I had been praying that God would make it possible for us to sit together. I honestly prayed that I wouldn’t have to ask anyone to switch seats, that it would somehow just happen on its own (I was so tired, haha). I sat down and IMMEDIATELY the lady next to me looks up and goes, “Is that your friend Dayna up a few rows? I just made friends with her in line! Do you want to switch seats?” Just in this little moment I see how God cares so much about us and is watching over this entire trip!

We finally got on our flight and I promptly fell asleep for almost the entire flight. It is hard for Dayna to sleep without help due to the cancer treatment she is taking, so instead of sleeping she drank 5 cups of horrible airplane coffee and made friends with literally everyone in the surrounding area, and continued to do so, in all three airports and two flights. She is a LIGHT wherever she goes. She can’t help but talking about Jesus and what he has done in her life to the many people God puts around her. More on that later.

We arrived in Houston, Texas and missed our flight! God went before us though, and we were immediately able to get on another flight on a very tiny plane! I wish I could explain how kind and wonderful and hilarious the German flight attendant was, but I’ll have to ask Dayna how to best describe him. This time Dayna and I weren’t sitting near each other but I could hear her happy laugh periodically as she made friends and swapped stories with someone else.

Throughout all our airport times we have both been exhausted, especially Dayna, but so full of laughter. We simply cannot stop laughing, and just thanking God for what He has done in her life (and mine!). When we arrived at the Baton Rouge Louisiana airport I almost started sobbing but had to minimize it to a few tears because waiting to see Dayna was the most kind, wonderful, excited group of ladies from the organization The Life of a Single Mom, with signs and balloons and gifts and one of Dayna’s many gifts, a $500 check! We were hugged repeatedly by each of them. They gave Dayna her INCREDIBLE itinerary, and overwhelmed her with love.

We got to her luxurious hotel room at the Hyatt Hotel and then we were both taken to dinner at Ralph and Kakoo’s (Idaho/Washington friends, you've gotta check this out!) It was an incredible experience tasting the variety of Southern foods. 

At this point I have to stop and share that this was so special to me because of SOMEONE WE WERE HAVING DINNER WITH!!!! Two years ago I was searching the internet for single mom books. There wasn’t much to choose from. One book, Overwhelmed: The Life of a Single Mom by Jennifer Barnes Maggio, looked promising. To summarize a long process, I read it and my life was changed forever! By the way, I later ended up liking Jennifer’s Facebook page, The Life of a Single Mom and then one day they posted something about nominating a single mom for National Single Mom of the Year, and the rest is history….

ANYWAYS, to summarize, we got to have dinner with Jennifer Barnes Maggio, the founder of the Life of the Single Mom, and the lovely vice president, Suzanne (I don't know her full name yet but she is so wonderful!) I got to talk to Jennifer and tell her how much her book meant to me and hear about her work, something that I am extremely passionate about and something I'm interested in pursuing in the future (she began an incredible ministry to single moms which God has blessed so much!). 

We tried hushpuppies for the first time, and the most amazing crab bisque and gumbo and ate until we were stuffed. Suzanne told us we shouldn’t bring our gallons of leftover food home because we are going to get even more food tomorrow, but we couldn’t imagine leaving without it so we brought it all home! Both Dayna and I had an amazing sleep in a king-sized bed after enjoying the company of her sweet, gorgeous mama Dori who had arrived on a flight later! Sweet Dayna woke me up by bringing me breakfast in bed, and we all sat around in our pjs and talked until Dayna was picked up . I am feeling so refreshed and thankful to be here!

One thing that has really struck me especially on this trip is that God really loves His single moms, no matter how we arrived on our journey as a single mom or what our mistakes and failures are, He is FAITHFUL to each of us, and faithful to love us and our children. Many of the workers at the Life of a Single Mom were single moms themselves in the past, and as a result they have this heart for those who don’t have the support and love that they need. They understand that single moms don’t need bible verses shoved down their throats, they need someone to walk beside them, support them, and be Jesus to them! They need patience, acceptance, and resources..The rest can follow after that crucial, unconditional display of love. I have been beyond LOVED throughout my entire single mom journey, but I know far too many who haven’t been. It has blessed me so much to know this ministry exists!

"We are not responsible for the outcome, we are responsible for the faith we exhibit on the journey."
 -Dori, Dayna's mom

To find out more of the Life of a Single Mom ministry, go to their website here.

To find out more about Dayna's incredible story and how you can help Dayna continue her treatments (because of which, she says she is far less exhausted and far more healthy than most cancer patients), go to the link above.