“I do believe; help my unbelief”

A is bringing me countless play-doh creations-- showing me them and then dumping them in my lap. They are getting squished into a giant, icky ball. The colors are all mixed, and they look like colorful, gross pieces of spaghetti mashed together. Every time she brings them over, I praise her and tell her how good at play-doh she is and how much I like them, so she doesn't stop. This is how I picture my relationship with God right now. I keep bringing Him crap, just shoving it at him like, "Here you go God, do you still love me? Really?? Are you sure?"

I don’t know about you, but I have been living so many of those days where God doesn’t “feel” close by. Exhaustion, stress, my own failures, my past, and hurtful things happening currently, all have a way of blinding me to my Dad’s hand reaching out to lift me up out of the pit. Yet here He is, more than ever. Throughout it all, to know that He SEES me is what gives me hope, even though I don’t see Him sometimes. My prayers reflect the plea of one father, watching his demon-possessed son suffer repeatedly (can you imagine anything worse for your child?): “I do believe; help my unbelief” (NIV, Mark 9:24) Even while that dad had Jesus standing directly in front of Him, he still couldn’t “see” or believe Jesus could heal his son. He still asked Jesus to help his unbelief. I don’t see Jesus in front of me, but I pray that prayer too. My faith does not come from me.

Even just today, I already received two answers to prayer; things that I had long ago given up hope on and then sadly forgotten about completely, but God still remembered and answered in obvious ways. So friend, wherever you are in your life, you are not condemned for your failings or your lack of faith. You are loved regardless of whether you feel “all spiritual” and like life is going splendidly, or your spiritual life is about as warm as a frozen lake (don’t ask me where that terrific metaphor came from… It’s just great, isn’t it: J Disclaimer: I just took a midterm! And all I listen to is the Frozen soundtrack).

Lastly, I've been singing this song for a week now; it brings me hope and freedom! 

You delight in showing mercy

And mercy triumphs over judgement

My past embraced

My sin forgiven

I’m blameless in Your sight.

My history rewritten

Oh love, great love

Fear cannot be found in You

And there will never be a day

You’re uncertain of the ones You choose

So I will wake

And spend my days

Loving the One who has raised me up

From death to life

From wrong to right

You’re making all things beautiful

Mercy, sung by Amanda Cook

Pictures of Avalon from this summer, because, why not. 

On This Day

Tomorrow morning is my little one’s first official day at preschool. It’s not even her first day of actual school, and I’m already thinking about it so much; it symbolizes so much growing up for both of us. A will always be the person who taught me the most about God. She is and was the bright light shining onto the path of having an actual relationship with God, instead of thinking He was angry rule-giver father up in the sky who was just so darn disappointed and disgusted with me and my behavior (He’s not).

She is sometimes my last reason for trusting God to break me free from destructive thought patterns which I have carried on since childhood; on some days, she is my last resort for remembering why God chose me and why He will be faithful to hold my hand on the hardest days. I was talking with my amazing wise friend Nancy, who was once a single mom, and it went like this:

Me: “A’s first day of preschool is tomorrow. I don’t think I can handle even walking in there.”
(Nancy’s eyes start filling with tears.)
Me: “Motherhood really messes you up.”
Nancy: “Yes it does because 30 years from now you will STILL remember walking her in, what she wore, how she acted, and you will never, ever forget it."

Anyways, I just wanted to say, the marvelous invention of the “On This Day” Facebook thingy has led me to have some bursts of faith and things to share:

5 years ago, I was 2 days away from making one of the worst decisions of my life..I no longer wanted to live “the Christian life” if it meant faking a smile and faking the rules to fit in. I officially broke free and made a decision which initially devastated me, but I can now say with total joy and healing, God has used it for good times, one hundred!

3 years ago on this very day, I was shaking in my flipflops, swollen cankles and all, after being told I had to be “induced” (The word carried power, I tell ya what! But it was fine and beautiful and wonderful and marvelous!).

2 years ago (yesterday), I was 22 with a 1-year-old, literally shaking in my boots as I was handed a full ride scholarship to college.

Today, I’m still shaking in my boots at the prospect of the word TOMORROW. Tomorrow is preschool, tomorrow is change, tomorrow my little girl is going to grow up one more day, tomorrow is another day of unknowns and faith exercises, of schoolwork that threatens to extinguish my light completely, of work, of meeting new people who are experiencing hard and painful things, of feeling compassion for the lost ones, the hurt ones.

Once again, the quote that I taped to the maternity home wall, across from the chair where I would nurse and rock  Avalon, is still perfect:

"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." -Martin Luther

Go fly, little girl. You belong to Him.