5 Years Awake

9:45 pm, Friday night, Winter 2011.

I look into the rearview mirror. I don’t even recognize the pair of eyes staring back at me.

I’m driving around in circles.

Congratulations, you are so high that you can’t remember where your boyfriend’s apartment is.

I pull over to call my boyfriend. It’s 10pm, & he’s already so drunk that he can’t even give me directions. We both laugh; it is a hollow moment in an empty companionship. We are so numb that we are powerful.

Back on the road…Don’t worry, I’ll find you!

 Suddenly there are lights behind me. A cop. One who I’ve spoken to before... “Have you been drinking?” “No, officer!” (Me? Drink and drive? Never!) “Well your turn signal is out, get it fixed!” He smiles.

 I faked my way through another conversation.

~

2 AM, Friday night, Winter 2016.

I look in the mirror. I don’t recognize the woman staring back at me. She is very alive; her eyes are the opposite of dull. She is also so very tired. Her puffy dark circles are atrocious. The extra pounds sit uncomfortably on the surface of her body like they want to jump off; the stretch marks & sags from growing her baby ensure she will never wear a two-piece swimsuit again.

The 2,000 word paper has been written. The child is safe & warm in bed. Tears slip down her face because bedtime was so hard. The fighting, the crying, the struggle to put on jammies. In 5 hours, her alarm will go off to begin another day.

The days feel like years long, but the years feel like a day…

And best of all there is peace & hope. Fullness in place of emptiness. Shade in the burning sun, a covering over shame, a fountain of water for thirst. Some of the chains were broken immediately, falling off quickly; some of them are cracking, they will fall off soon.

Life was given to me in every way. The pain that caused me to be dead in the first place is slowly shrinking. Victory has been promised to me. Now I live to tell about it.

“For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you…” (Deut 20:4)