^^This picture...this is how I feel today.
I was going to try to "encourage" other mamas and single mamas, but I have to say: I’m writing this post for myself and myself alone, and maybe someone else can take something from it. At the very least I hope you feel less alone, because you aren’t.
June 30th, 2015
Dear Kal,
So here you are, sitting on your marvelous floral coach in your three week-new apartment, alone (give or take an ant, or two or three). Your bare toes are touching a crunchy part of the carpet where your toddler poured her healthy smoothie (she hated it) and it didn’t completely get cleaned up. Your hair is crying for some TLC and the bags under your eyes have grown exponentially in the last three years. The house is littered with the same things you picked up an hour ago, the food stamp renewal paperwork was turned in two months late today (the lady felt so sorry for you that she took it anyways and tried to give you hope that they might still accept it), you forgot all your bills are due tomorrow, you forgot your Amazon textbook rental was due, you’re already worried about starting Statistics class in two months, you could do a way better job at work if you stayed late and started early, and you would love and adore a week completely alone on a mountain somewhere (but you hate knowing the fact that one hour into it you would miss your toddler like crazy).
Today (and every day) you spent 3 hours trying to be the best mom ever, 7 hours trying to do the best job ever at work, and then you spent the 4 hours after work trying to be the best mom ever, again.
You felt angry, exhausted, joyful, blessed, and so resentful of the time spent on her and not on all the things you wanted to do. But you pressed pause and got down on the floor and played as hard as you could! You totally said out loud, “I did not sign up for this” and felt completely unnerved when you collapsed on the floor in a pile of exhaustion and your toddler cupped your face in her tiny hands and talked to you sternly like she was an actual adult ("Get up off da fo and do downtairs and make me YOGUT".
The truth is, you didn’t sign up for this. Many people never do sign up for it, even when their pregnancies are planned. Almost anyone can go through the motions of having a baby-- keeping her alive, healthy, fed, and loved, but it is truly takes something bigger than yourself (hint: God) to accept the fact that you have been GIFTED with a human being. It’s really hard to be responsible for her, I know. The tears might be starting to squeeze out of your eyes by now; I so wish I could give you a hug right now, but I know your sweet coworkers will tomorrow.
1. I want you to know that every second you spend not thinking about yourself- your needs, your desires- is probably the best second you've ever spent, especially because having a toddler has made you pray harder than you ever have before! I think you’re starting to realize that, the time you invest in A, PAYS OFF. I also want you to know that God keeps track of this time. Um, yes He does! Minute by tedious minute. And do you know what, He uses that "wasted" time to bless other people, to bless A, and yep, to bless YOU! What you invest in her comes back to you and her, times one hundred, in ways you could never have come up with yourself.
2. Today, in the moments you thought DIDN'T matter…you helped your daughter learn about eating healthy food (“Just eat one bite of fruit and you can have dessert!” “Siri, what do you do when your toddler eats chicken poop.”). You helped her work through emotion. You helped her feel loved and wanted when you sat down and watched an entire movie with her when you could have been doing something else. You helped her work through those dramatic times when she was horribly frustrated at her toothbrush, at her pillow, at a yogurt-covered spoon she threw onto the carpet, at the curtain for moving, at the fan for being in her room, at her toe for hurting... You helped her listen to you...you disciplined her...you really loved her. Did you know that in the time you could have been doing dishes, getting "stuff" done, or zoning out on Facebook..you just prepared her for LIFE!
3. Please remember the following truths:
You are a new creation in Christ!!! (2 Cor. 5:17)
God says, I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born. (Is. 66:9, ERV)
In all these things, you are more than a conqueror. (Think: Amazon warrior woman) (Romans 8:37)
HE HAS PLANS FOR YOU ALWAYS. (And yours always suck, so just look up to him!) (Jer. 29:11)
Be thankful in ALL circumstances. (1 Thess. 5:18)
You are washed whiter than snow. (Is. 1:18)
You are loved more than you can imagine...with an everlasting love. (Jer. 31:3)
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