Little Spark

At four or five or six every morning, my little monster awakes with a loud cry. I jump out of bed and pull her out of her crib. She wiggles with joy as I lay her down next to me. I feel especially grateful for my queen sized bed.
A's new sleeping position: sprawled out on me, limbs dangling, complete with contented sighing and snuggling deeper down into my tired body. Somehow I find this better than her toes digging into my rib cage in a surprising and painful way.
We fall back to sleep for a few more hours.
You would think that I would do something to change this sleep pattern but I don't do.. anything.
I feel like this is my last chance to hold my little baby girl.
Oh, I know there will be other times. Scraped knees, a crashed bike, the death of a pet, maybe even a bruised heart.
But now, just be my girl.
Unlike most people (and, just like a mom), I see more than her outward appearance: the color of her outrageous curls and her silly, intense faces that people comment on every day.
She's innocent, lovely, and so easily pleased by bugs, grandparents, bubbles, "hoseys" (horses), dogs, and other babies. Life through her eyes is in slow motion, or fast forwarded.
Just be.
Her great-grandparents ask us to stay longer during our weekly visit. A's great grandma recently said, "She's our spark."

Testimony filmed at Palouse Care Network/ WISH Medical

The end is really the best part. You may or may not see a 10 month old Baby A dressed in pink!

Sunlight

  I had just sat down next to the fire, which was doing its very best to be warm and inviting but was kind of failing (as do all fires that I build), but then my baby girl started crying and sounded very miserable. I usually don't get her out of her crib, but tonight was an exception because it was her "pain" cry. I gave her ibuprofen, rubbed clove oil on her teeth and put more layers on her due to the freezing temperature in all areas of our house. I always think I will be used to seeing her in pain but it was so hard to see her suffering tonight just as any other night. A few weeks ago at church one of the pastors was giving a talk before communion was passed out, and he described a time in his past where one of his children was lost in the mountains. The way he described the desperation and longing to see his child again was so easy to relate with that I couldn't help but cry.
I came back to my poor, little fire. Holding my little daughter, who is growing so big but still so tiny, I realized that I don't know how long I get to be A's earthly parent. There may be a day when she is no longer in my care. I pray that day will never come, but I also pray that God reminds me that she is, and always has been, His. I have to force open my clenched hands and give her to Him. The agony of this statement of surrender is almost as huge as the relief knowing that God loves her too much to leave it all up to me.
The other day I was writing a note to a pregnancy test client that I had seen with another advocate during my training. I wrote her this quote,

"I have held many things in my hands, and have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." - Martin Luther

I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess.

Martin Luther

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth390009.html#ZKdKzALx9ygCDlgT.99

I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess.

Martin Luther

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth390009.html#ZKdKzALx9ygCDlgT.99

I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess.

Martin Luther

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth390009.html#ZKdKzALx9ygCDlgT.99

I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess.

Martin Luther

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth390009.html#ZKdKzALx9ygCDlgT.99

I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess.

Martin Luther

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth390009.html#ZKdKzALx9ygCDlgT.99

When A was a newborn, I taped it to the wall across from my Ottoman where I spent the good part of three months sitting, rocking, and nursing her.  Through all the emotions of being a new, tired mom it helped me hold on to truth.
Back to Jesus. I am reading a book for work called The Intimacy Cover-Up: Uncovering the Difference Between Love and Sex by P. Roger Hillerstrom and Karlyn Hillerstrom. I don't know how to describe this book except that everyone should read it. The author and his daughter have written a masterpiece about deceptions involving sex.
A long time ago I prayed that God would break my heart for what breaks His, and He has.
If this means going to schools and educating kids on why marriage is actually, really, truly the best and the damages being done by the silent STD epidemic, I will. If this means living with broken, unloved people for the rest of my life, and eventually taking them in to my own home, I will. If this means hours of data entry- where I sometimes look at ultrasounds of 9 week old babies with tiny arm and leg stumps whom I know have been aborted, I will. If this means sharing the Gospel with people when I would rather just hand them diapers and run away, I will. I can no longer passively watch the Enemy's destruction and feel safe under my own little rock.
 In closing, these simple lyrics have been on my heart. I love this song because it is me. I have that old, empty feeling sometimes, at the end of the day when things are looking a little bleak, a friend is going through a hard time, or words of criticism have cut me down.  That feeling and I have been the closest of friends for years. The feeling used to follow me everywhere, and it was only God that took it away. I really cannot contain my joy that it is possible to live a meaningful life after many mistakes, knowing that I have been given freedom, purpose, and value as a daughter of the King.

Good morning the night is over and gone

I thought once this dark would last for so long

Feel the sunlight on my face

You have brought me through this place

Jesus, Jesus, You found me

Through the long night you led me

You set me free

Do you see just what You've done in my life?

You gave me more than I hoped for now I

Feel your sunlight on my face

You have brought me through this place

Jesus, Jesus, You found me

Through the long night you led me

You set me free

"You Led Me" by Barlowgirl

And here is sunshine girl in her bath.

I See God

I see God when the wind rustles a million blades of grass and I know that to Him, each one is unique. I see God when my heart aches as I say goodbye to dear friends. I see God when someone tells me they've prayed for the first time in a long time. I see God when I long for my little girl to have a dad. I see God in her tiny teardrops when she gets hurt and I can hold her close.  I see God when someone tells me they're on day twenty one without cigarettes. I see God in His promises to me..

Show me your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths;
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

A's First Police Car Ride

January 18, 2013
I pushed A's stroller over the mounds of snow, feeling stupid for missing my bus.  I had left my house that morning feeling especially triumphant. I was independently (and stylishly, I might add) taking my baby and I to Plato's Closet, and not only that, but taking TWO buses to get there. Riding the bus gives me a lot of anxiety, so this would be a significant achievement. I don't know if any of you have ever experienced the Spokane Transit System, but it is always an interesting and intimidating experience. There is usually a smell which dominates your riding experience and lingers even after the passenger has exited. The most common is the smell of the bus is someone who has failed to realize that cleanliness is next to godliness. Second is the wonderful smell of someone who bathes in alcohol or is storing marijuana in their clothing. When I was a pregnant bus rider, I would always look around at the first detected whiff in shock. Why is no one screaming and running off the bus? Oh, that's just me and my overactive nose.
Anyways, here was me, my four month old baby, my diaper bag, car seat, and stroller, walking in below freezing weather next to a busy road on a sidewalk that no one wanted to shovel. Well, I thought, I will lift my stroller over the largest snow clumps and push through. Out of nowhere, a police car pulled over next to me. The windows rolled down, in slow motion, as police car windows always do. "Ma'am," said the serious, respectable officer within, "Is there a baby in there?" A host of sarcastic responses crossed my mind.
 "I think so, but I'm not sure. There was one yesterday." or "No, I haul my cans of Budweiser around in here." Instead I responded with a nervous "yes". Thanks, Mr. Policeman, for making me feel like a terrible, careless mother, letting my baby freeze. "Where do you live?" he asks. I replied, and he thinks. "I'll take you." This is obviously not an offer, it is a command. "Will my stroller fit?" I squeaked. The last time I was this close to a police officer was under very different circumstances. "Yes." He opened the back of his car, and I nervously push it down on some police gear. "There's no seatbelt!" I squeaked again. He looked at me. "It's okay." We get in. "Music?" "Yes." I told him my favorite radio station. "Christian?" "Yes." "What were you doing?" "Shopping!" "Where's dad?" "He's in Idaho." I then proceeded to tell him about Life Services, which he had never heard of. "It has changed my life and how I used to be." "What did you used to be?" Um..I did not anticipate this question. "Um, I used to party and not take life seriously. And now, I am going to go to SCHOOL." (this is always a safe things to tell older people in authority.) Home, sweet home! I exploded from the back of the police car and assemble carseat, stroller, diaper bag in record time. My druggie neighbors arrived home at the same time as we did, and were staring while shuffling quickly into their house.

You and I (Shame Interrupted)

        During the quietest moments, as you are feeling warm and woozy under the covers, I will be there. You'll be waiting for sleep to come, physically and mentally exhausted, and I will sneak up on you.
The fear of me is as big as the fear of the monsters under the bed you worried about as a child. You waited and waited to use the bathroom till with a yelp and a great fling of the covers, you burst forth like an anxious rodeo bull from his cage and sprinted to the bathroom. It was always cold and quiet, a no-man zone. You couldn't stay there forever, but you couldn't go back to bed. Once finished there, you faced the terrible fear of the dark bedroom and imagined the monster claws reaching and grabbing as you made the great leap into bed.  Your heartbeat would be so loud in your ears and you would gasp for breath as you ran as fast as you could. Under the covers you would go, trembling, adrenaline pumping; with a great sigh of relief to be in bed.
        But I, Shame, am a monster who will follow you everywhere. I will remind you of your greatest weaknesses in the safest places you know. I will whisper thoughts as you lie on your pillow, sit in church, or hug your family members.
        It's funny to me that once you let that whisper in, my work is nearly done because you continue to think about it. You invite me to come back to help you rehearse the lies. You spend hours agonizing over past choices and sins and failures. You remember that tiny thing you did that embarrassed you to no end. It is magnified the more you tell yourself the story. You remind yourself that you aren't good enough for anyone and you're still dirty. Adding to that, you don't dress as nicely as some people, and you don't pray as well, have as many friends, or have as much fun.
       You can't tell anyone about this, because they would look down on you for struggling with such petty things, and they're so much more advanced in their walk with God. Remember, you're the only one you can talk to.
      Oh, and you can't tell anyone about what you've done and what's been done to you, because they would be disgusted with you and probably look at you differently.  Just stay at home tomorrow, and don't read your Bible. Don't even try to break out of this, because that would be too hard.

Tonight, you are still. You're waiting for me to come and you are wearing a suit of armor. I can hear your thoughts, and they are terrifying. You are tightly gripping the Sword of Truth.  Worst of all, you are washed. Your old, dirty clothes are lying on the floor.
I flee.

Favorite pictures of Baby A